Anger is a basic human emotion and feeling angry is OK. It is how we respond to and express that anger that can cause problems. Expressing anger in an abusive, violent or negative way is unacceptable. Rather than trying to suppress the anger, we need to learn how to manage it in a way that acknowledges the feeling while not harming anyone els

Everyone has experienced anger. The intensity of your anger can range from profound annoyance to extreme rage. It’s normal and healthy to feel angry from time to time in response to certain situations.

But sometimes people experience an uncontrollable anger that often escalates, especially when the provocation is minor. In this case, anger is not a normal emotion but a major problem.

What causes anger and anger problems?

Anger comes from a variety of sources and can vary widely. Some common anger triggers include:

  • Personal problems, such as missing a promotion at work or relationship difficulties.
  • A problem caused by another person such as cancelling plans.
  • An event like bad traffic or getting in a car accident.
  • Memories of a traumatic or enraging event.

In other cases, an anger problem may be caused by early trauma or events in a person’s life that have shaped their personality. In some cases, hormonal changes can also cause anger, as can certain mental disorders.

Questions to ask yourself:

  • Do you sometimes have trouble controlling your temper?
  • Have you ever become angry and regretted it later?
  • Have you ever lost control of your anger to the point where you became violent or abusive?
  • Has anyone ever commented on your anger?

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of the questions, here are some initial ideas to help take the strength out of anger.


Recognizing The Warning Signs


To control your anger, you first need to be able to recognise the signs that you are getting angry:

  • Muscular tightening, especially around the jaw and arms.
  • A sensation of building pressure in the head.
  • Sensations of heat and flushing in the face.
  • Elevated heart rate, breathing or sweating.

These physical signs are all indications that your body is preparing for fight or flight, our primitive response to a threat. Once you recognise that you are getting angry, you have the opportunity to do something to diffuse the situation before it gets out of control.

Some signs that your anger is not normal:

  • Anger that affects your relationships and social life.
  • A feeling that you have to hide or hold in your anger.
  • Constant thinking negatively and focusing on negative experiences.
  • Constantly feeling impatient, irritated, and hostile.
  • More than often arguing with others, and getting angrier in the process.
  • Getting physically violent when you’re angry.
  • Threatening violence to people or their property when you are angry.
  • Unable or have an inability to control your anger.
  • Feeling compelled to do, or doing, violent or impulsive things because you feel angry, such as driving recklessly or destroying things.
  • Staying away from certain situations because you’re anxious or depressed about your angry outbursts.

Here are some simple techniques you can try:

Time out.

Stepping away from a situation when you are starting to feel angry. Give yourself some space to think clearly and calm down. If things are starting to get heated, try saying something to the other person like: “Listen, I think I need to take a break for a bit. I’ll come back, and we can sort this out in half an hour.” Step away from your computer and don’t fire off that heated e-mail to the entire company right away. Rather go get some fresh air, think things through properly and if possible, sleep on it, get perspective and then respond with dignity.

Controlled breathing.

Slowing and deepening your breath can help diffuse the anger. Try taking five long, slow breaths. Focus on relaxing the muscles in your arms and face.

Talk yourself down, not up.

Self-talk can influence whether you get more or less angry in an exchange.

Saying things to yourself like, “This person is an idiot!” or “How dare this person talk to me like that?” is likely to increase your feelings of anger.

Instead, try calming self-statements such as:

  • “Cool it. You can handle this.”
  • “No point flying off the handle. Let’s just take a few breaths.”
  • “I’m not going to let this get to me.”
  • “Relax…”

While these anger management techniques can help you calm down in a crisis, they don’t address the causes of excessive anger. Conflict is inevitable in your working environment, friendships and relationships, but this doesn’t mean that every disagreement needs to lead to an angry fight.


Anger can be the result of built up, unresolved distress, or it may be masking underlying emotions such as sadness. Learning relaxation skills can help you release the physical tension in your body which can contribute to anger problems.

Changing sabotaging beliefs that contribute to anger.

Some anger problems are related to underlying belief systems about how the world should be. If you have a belief that the world should conform to your expectations, you may experience a lot of frustration and anger when it doesn’t.

The Transformation coaching process, assesses your issues and needs and incorporates Emotional Intelligence areas of development: Self-awareness, Self-management and motivation, Social Awareness and Relationship management.

  1. Coaching concentrates on where you are now and what you are willing to do to get where you want to be in the future, in regards to managing and transforming your anger. –
  2. Together we assess your current opportunities and challenges, identify priorities for action, and establishes specific desired outcomes relating to anger and conflict management.  We strive towards greater self-awareness. –
  3. Transformation coaching help you transform the energy of anger into positive channels which benefit your life and relationships as a whole. This aspect leads you to greater self-management and motivation. –
  4. Being in control of your anger, enhances your ability to manage and motivate yourself, become socially aware and develop more healthy relationships. –

Through the Transformation Coaching process you gain clarity, which supports the most effective actions to achieve your goals. Coaching accelerates your progress by providing greater focus and awareness of possibilities, opportunities, approaches and changes regarding choices you can make in the areas of anger management and emotional intelligence

Taking Back Control