Will she show up? Will he like me? What do I say? What if I say too much? What if I spill my drink? Get rejected? Dating often is seen as overwhelmingly scary and decidedly unappealing. This type of anxiety and shyness leads to avoidance of meeting new people, as well as a sense of isolation and hopelessness about the prospect of finding a suitable partner.

Speaking from my own experiences and so often seeing amazing people who are deserving of love and companionship, but who are paralyzed by fear, struggling with loneliness and hopelessness rooted in anxiety. After experiencing heartbreak, it’s not uncommon to be afraid to start dating again, because it can feel like you’re signing yourself up to get hurt all over again in the future. But, while it might not be an easy road, if you want the reward (finding love again), you have to be willing to take the risk of getting hurt again, too.

How can you tell if you’re really ready to move on and dive back into the dating pool after a bad breakup? The biggest sign that you’re ready to date again is your desire to date again. It usually means you’re feeling brave enough to risk being brokenhearted. It’s normal to feel ready one day and not ready the next.

A healthy relationship is when two people develop a connection based on:

  • Mutual respect
  • Trust
  • Honesty
  • Support
  • Fairness/equality
  • Separate identities
  • Good communication
  • A sense of playfulness and fondness.

Your expectations.

When most of us enter the dating game, many of us do so with a predetermined set of (often unrealistic) expectations.  What the person should look like, behave like, how the dating / relationship should progress, and the roles each one of you should fulfill. These expectations are more than often based on our family history, influence of your friends, your past experiences, or even people we idolize. Unrealistic expectations like these can make any potential partner seem inadequate and any new relationship feel disappointing.

When going on a date or entering into a new relationship with these expectations; are you giving that “new” person, a fair chance and yourself a chance to get to know the real “them”?

Keep perspective.

Don’t expect the first person to be Mr or Miss marriage! Remember, you are investing in someone, this is not an instant take away! …. unless…..lol. It takes time to really get to know a person and you have to experience being with that person in different situations. Keep your life balanced and don’t let the dating game or your search consume you.

Everyone has flaws and shortcomings, embrace yours. Own them and be comfortable and open about yours. You want someone to love you for the person you are, not the person you’d like to be, or the person they think you should be.

On your date.

Be present! Focus on what your date is saying and doing and what’s going on around you, rather than on your internal thoughts. Be truly curious about your date’s thoughts, feelings, experiences, stories, and opinions, it will show—and they’ll like you for it. I am not asking you to act, keep it genuine, if you are not interested in your date, there’s little point in pursuing it further. Listen to the little things…their preferences, stories etc. It will go a long way, and you will get to know them faster. If you truly serious about dating, PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY, not on the table, put it away and on silent.

Falling off the horse?

Now we all have been rejected by someone or have rejected someone ourselves at some point. It’s an inevitable part of dating. Did you die? NO. Always stay positive and handle rejection with class and grace. Learn from your experiences and remember it is normal to feel a little hurt, resentful, disappointed, or even sad when faced with rejection. It’s important to acknowledge your feelings without trying to suppress them. Accepting rejection is an inevitable part of dating and a healthy approach. Not spending too much time worrying about it or take it personally, will make you brilliant at it. Accept that you also turn people away, reject them, so this goes both ways. So, if you want to have people “understand”, when you reject them, you need to leave room for yourself being rejected by another person. Rejection only means, there is someone else better, nicer and more compatible waiting to meet you.

Warning signals.

Trust your instincts, if you feel insecure, ashamed, or undervalued, perhaps reconsider the relationship.

Sex and nothing else? A meaningful and fulfilling relationship depends on more than just good sex. Likewise, if one partner only wants to be with the other as part of a group of people. If there’s no desire to spend quality time alone with you, outside of the bedroom, it can signify a greater issue.

If the persons focus or communication are not on you but predominately on a phone, a TV, an online game for example most of the time. There needs to be a desire to communicate / connect with you.

One partner doesn’t like the other spending time with friends and family members outside of the relationship. If you sense that the other person is stopping you from having independent thoughts and feelings, and aim to control you, you need to reconsider things carefully.

Dependencies’. Your relationship only works well or you only having a good time when one or both of you are under the influence of alcohol, or other substances.

Mutual trust is a cornerstone of any close personal relationship and this doesn’t happen overnight. If you’re someone with trust issues, perhaps you were betrayed, traumatized, or abused in the past, then you may find it very hard to trust others and find lasting love. If you can’t get a grip on your trust issues, don’t be afraid to ask for help from a professional. Empower yourself rather than ambush yourself.

Work at it! Finding Mr. or Miss right is just the beginning of your journey, not the destination. Moving from casual dating to a committed, loving relationship, you will need to take care of it and “water your new garden to grow” each day by investing in it, ensuring you both feel comfortable expressing your needs, fears, and desires by communicating openly to each other.

Don’t be afraid of conflict, but be able to resolve conflict without humiliation, degradation, or insisting on being right. Most relationships change over time. What you want from a relationship at the beginning may be very different from what you and your partner want a few months or years down the road. Embrace and be open to changes, it will make you a better person: kinder, more empathetic, and more generous. Remember, you and your partner are a TEAM.

When you communicate with Authenticity, Clarity and Expressiveness, you channel your most confident self. The Transformation Coaching process will get you ready for dating, equipping you with:

  • A clear vision of what you really want (no, just being hot, is not good enough)
  • Develop a super strong confidence in yourself.
  • Know the balance of how to become the sweet spot, between being an asshole and a doormat.
  • Eliminate your emotional baggage and negative self-beliefs.
  • Get clarity on your expectations about dating and sexuality.

Struggling to resolve your sexual identity ?